Another year has slipped through my fingers, didn't we just celebrate bringing in 2007, 2006, 2005.....2000? Don't we hate to admit that are parents were right in saying we'll realize some day the years will go by so fast, you won't know what hit you?
I've been divorced for 15 years, 15 years! Wow, I know. So what have I been doing for 15 years? That has been a constant thought for the past several weeks. So much I felt I had to write about it. After my divorce, I didn't date or go out very often (I had my daughter to take care of). This went on for 3 years, I just wasn't ready to meet another Mr. Wrong and really needed to find out who I was. I've realized over the years though, that I am still learning who I am, it will be a never ending experience to constantly grow into myself. I know what I want out of life and I know what I don't want. I also know I've gone through different stages of loneliness, being in and out of love, rebounding, intimacy, being played and settling for less/having it all.
After my divorce, I recall being overwhelmed, I was so glad to be away from him, but I hadn't ever really been alone before. I had to adjust and take care of my daughter, I have always been a responsible person and I had to put aside my happiness for hers. What I was really doing is focusing on her so I didn't have to deal with my 'lonely demons'. I constantly have that empty space in my heart still expecting to be filled. I have had a hard time understanding the difference between someone liking me for me and someone liking me for alternative motives. I find myself running from someone who shows me affection and wants to be in a mature relationship and am victim to heartbreak when I meet someone that doesn't share in the same elated excitement.
I have Wyatt, a gift in life I can't begin to express how thankful I am to have. His love is so innocent and does not come with conditions or misleading expectations. He, like my daughter helps me through again fighting those lonely demons. I can focus on him and forget about the world around me. I believe in that saying that people come in and out of your life for a reason. I am, though as much heartache it caused me, am thankful his father gave me this gift of life.
I've been doing the on-line dating thing for a while now thinking it was the best way for me to meet someone. I always think I am ready to find Mr. Right, I just can't seem to give up the hope that he is out there. I greatly miss holding hands while walking at the park or store or just sitting around, hugs, hugs are the best thing. That kind of warm embrace cannot be shared with just anyone. Having that shoulder to cry on, the first one you call with great news or just calling just because. Falling asleep with someone you know will be the first thing you see when you wake up. Having that never ending conversation because you truly enjoy each others thoughts and outlook on things. Having that 'moment' where nothing is said. Enjoying a great cup of coffee while the rest of the house is still asleep. Someone to be there for me when I need that pick me up, that slap in the face to snap out of it when I am feeling a little blue.
And have I found it on-line? Well, what I have found with on-line dating is that it is difficult because you really do not know who is being honest and who isn't, is 'he' on-line for the wholehearted reason to find his one and only or just looking for a good time? The bonus here is that you can sit in privacy and click away among the hundreds of profiles from one coast to the other honing in on whatever criteria you include in your search. So we'll see.
