How am I?

16 years ago today, I left my abusive ex-husband. A date I never forget.

What is going on today? How do I feel today? Another day sure to be etched in my mind.

Sad? Anxious? Isolated? Low Spirited? Gloomy? Relieved?

I am not sure I can completely explain how I am feeling right now. Friday night (after work) I was told my office would be closing. There was no answer for the Why? or the When? but that is sure to come later. I almost hyperventilated, well I suffered a little hyperventilating because loosing my job after 15 years is upsetting. As anyone can imagine, I am worried about several things. I am making every effort to see this as a blessing in disguise. I've only been 'let go' once in my life and I was very young, just out of high school without the responsibility of any children.

The timing just couldn't be worse, my house has been listed for 6 months and hasn't had anyone seriously interested in putting in a offer. The job market is also weak, in this area where there are several colleges and tech schools, businesses can easily hire a younger person with a education (that I don't have) at a lower pay than someone who has years of experience and needs a higher salary. Man, who hasn't experienced that?

My son, Wyatt, how will he be affected? Like I said, the job market here is extremely weak, I had to work 15 years to be at the pay scale I am at now (not to mention the 4 weeks a year vacation time, it's been a life savor since Wyatt gets sick a lot). What I am getting to is his welfare, not just having a decent place to live, but providing him with the necessary health care, nutritious food, clothing and his happiness. He tells me on occasion how 'bootiful' our house is and I will loose it without my current income. Another painful move, not something I look forward to.

Me, work? What am I going to do ? What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? :O(

I am overfilled today with anxiety, I am a single parent over 40 with a 3 1/2 year old son that does not receive any child support or outside assistance from his father.

I don't have a nest egg since every penny I earn has gone to making a house a home for my kids (that includes Gayle, my 20 year old daughter) and the cost of their happiness. Over the years I have said, I'll try to save, I'll try to save......and then doctor, hospital, dental and other unexpected expenses come up. And did I mention my car? I have bad luck with vehicles because I again have a vehicle that is in need of expensive repairs. I tried to trade it in for a cheaper car, yeah right, the only way to get anything over a $5,500 trade in is if I buy a much MUCH more expensive and NEWER car. Love that. NOT

I have no choice but to deal with what has been laid before me and make the best of it. That's what I keep telling myself, the reality is now, I am very sad and can't stop the tears from flowing.

I have hugged and kissed and tickled my little man Wyatt this past weekend so much he told me to leave him alone. :O) So of course I tickled even more. Then he says tickle me more, tickle me more....I just do what I can to not let him see mommy in tears. He is what keeps me hopeful!

It just goes to show that life happens that isn't always good and it could be much worse.